Urban decay

I've heard people say that when life hands you lemons, you make lemon juice or break out a bottle of tequila. At this point in time, I do not even have the resources to make said lemon juice let alone afford a decent bottle of tequila. I know this may seem like a lot to take in but when you're in a position like mine, even the darkest of nights seem optimistic.

I do not know where to begin fathoming (if there is such a word) the start of this entire saga or how it is going to turn out in the not-too-distant future but all I can say is that once again I find myself in a precarious situation. The hardest part of my life was losing dad but this sits right up there in severity. I am a very pessimistic person and always have been as I have been let down more then once. A defense mechanism that I have built is one where I've always pushed people out of the way and closed myself off to deal with my own pain. I've struggled so much in the past few months that things have been next to impossible for me to deal with. Suicidal thoughts keep me going and it is this very pain that forces me to push on despite the intensity of pain that I feel. I only wish there was a way to deal with this better but my last line of aid has all but surely left me. The family I once knew has all but abandoned me and the only being left in my life is my furry companion of 13 years, the ever-loyal Salem. The endless conversations I have with him before bedtime is what gives me hope. I almost expect him to say that everything will be alright and that we will make it through these dark times unscathed. Every so often he tilts his head and pricks up his ears as if to say "I understand what you're going through but I cannot speak to you like I want to". Soft meows followed by head bonks is my reward for being patient.

I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can only imagine the long walk ahead of me. If there is a God, I know there will be a sign to tell me that I am doing everything I can to make life better for myself. But for now, that is but a distant dream.